As I talk to many senior professionals and leaders at both small and large organizations, one theme that keeps repeating itself is how others affect us. If you are like most people, chances are you often worry about what others will think. Be it our small decisions like what clothes we wear to work or a more significant decision like which car to buy, we often wonder what others will think.
In a digitally connected world, we are increasingly putting ourselves out there. Consequentially, we either worry about what others are thinking about us or we might be making judgments about others, knowingly or unknowingly. Designers of apps feed on this need for social validation by providing options for responses such as 'likes' and 'comments'.
Photo by Daria Nepriakhina 🇺🇦 on Unsplash
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Why do we worry about what others think?
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At the surface level, our anxiety is driven by a need to belong. More likes is equal to greater acceptance and, therefore, greater belonging. If we go a step deeper, this acceptance is a primal biological need from the times when men & women used to live in tribes. Survival in the jungle was often a matter of being a part of the tribe and the harshest punishment was to be thrown out from the tribe. So our WhatsApp groups, Facebook groups, etc. are all the modern versions of the tribes. So, what the tribe thinks of us, matters. And it is deeply ingrained in our DNA.
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Secondly, at a more subtle level, our need for validation is rooted in an erroneous idea of the 'self'. Our general idea of who we are is very closely connected with our body, our mind, our thoughts, emotions, and memories, in short, with our personality. This erroneous idea of the 'self', or Ego, is a mirage that appears to be very real. And it makes us very fragile and vulnerable to attack. Because the ego is constantly in survival mode. When someone makes a snide remark about any aspect of our personality, we feel that we have been attacked. When someone challenges our "comment" on a social post, it is an attack on everything that we have stood for. There is no difference between our comment and our sense of "self" - so before we know it, we get pulled into a battle to protect our very existence! The Ego is under attack!
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Okay, so what's the way out?
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At the surface level, we do need to cater to our need for survival, and so we have to continue to balance the art of navigating the social world with the least probability of being ostracized. Some people do that by keeping a low public profile and joining only a limited number of highly trusted groups where they can be themselves. Others who have a higher need to be a part of large groups and who have an influential public profile, learn to develop a thick skin - and learn to ignore what others have to say when it is not favorable for them. It works for some time but it is a very tenuous relationship as the fragile ego is often exposed to attack.
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At the deeper and more subtle level, we start to discern that there is a small gap between who we think we are (this combination of body, mind, thoughts, emotions, memories, and achievements put together as our personality) and our true nature, which is a step removed from all that we think we are. Our true self is the One witness of everything that we experience in this world, including our personality. And that One is never really affected by anything that affects the personality or the Ego - it only witnesses what the personality
experiences. Think of it as when the spectacles that we are wearing get scratched, we don't feel that we have gotten scratched because we know there is a gap between the spectacles and the eye. Similarly, once we notice the gap between the true self and the ego, we will stop taking everything that the ego experiences, so seriously.
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This idea of discovering our true self can be completely liberating and it can release us from the immense burden that we may often feel due to the mistaken identification with our ego. So the next time, you feel anger welling up inside triggered by a sarcastic remark passed by someone on your post, take a deep breath, and let the ego know that you are aware of its tricks! And then equipped with that awareness, do what needs to be done. This time you are in charge and not your ego, which pretends to be hurt. Notice the difference.
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Photo by Susan Duran on Unsplash
The author, Anuj Chadha, is a Leadership Coach, Founder of Three Circles, Faculty & Coach with Leadership Et' Humanite, and an Associate Coach with the Center for Creative Leadership. Â
At Three Circles, we build a deep understanding of what it takes to navigate the challenges that life throws at us. We partner with our clients, listen to their life & career aspirations, and support them to break through the obstacles that seem to be holding them back. Life is too precious to be unhappy, unsure, or unfulfilled. Partner with us as you re-imagine and re-create the Life that you Love!