The Messy Middle

Ever felt the joy in anticipation of something you are looking forward to? A road trip, a new job, a new relationship? And ever felt the sense of relief after you have overcome a really difficult challenge? Reaching your destination navigating particularly difficult terrain, getting through a tough assignment with an especially exasperating boss, or finding a new rhythm in your relationship with your partner?

Our kids have just taken off on a holiday with their university friends, and my wife and I were reminded of similar trips with our friends. On both the sides, the anticipation of a high experience, and on reaching the destination, we feel a sweet sensation. It may be excitement and exhilaration on this side. And perhaps a sense of release, a relaxation, of putting the weight down, on the other side.

But life is mostly spent in the messy middle, isn't it? The anticipation on the way to a holiday destination is usually short-lived, and so is the relief on the other-side of a mountain trek. Even if we were to intentionally prolong the experience at either end, it is likely to dissipate the very energy that makes it sweet. But this blog is not about either of the ends. It is about the messy middle.

What makes the middle messy? Here are three reflections:

1. We are Blind-sided: By human nature, we are compelled to look for new highs - be it in acquiring a bigger house, a higher paying job, or a more fulfilling relationship. While approaching any of these desired experiences, we usually anticipate only the upsides, and we overlook the likely downsides. So we feel let-down or disappointed when the house has seepage problems, or the boss in the new job is painful, or the partner has their own expectations that we are unwilling to meet.

   
   

2. Unsaid expectation from life to be 'fair': We all have different thresholds for pain. Once we have reached our limit the expectation from life and the universe to be fair kicks in. This, usually, unexpressed expectation makes us blame life or complain to whoever cares to listen, that this is not how it was meant to be. I deserve better. I have paid the price and worked hard, why is this happening to me?

   
   

3. Distorted Perspective on others' life: No one knows another person's full story. However, when we get a glimpse of someone's successful experience from the outside, we are quick to make comparisons with our experience. I wonder how they earned their Villa or Mercedes at such a young age? If only my stakeholders were as understanding and empowering as theirs! If only my spouse could understand my needs, as these people seem to understand each other.  We compare a snapshot to a movie!

Why is the messy middle there at all?

At the start of his book, The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck says,  "Life is difficult. This is one of the greatest truths. Because once we truly see this truth, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." 

Eckhart Tolle, the author of The Power of Now, frequently reminds us, "The purpose of life is not to make us happy. It is to make us conscious, or awaken us."

So there we have it. The Messy Middle is designed to lift us out of our slumber!

So what do we do now? I am sharing three reflections on dealing with the messy middle:

1. Anticipate both sides of the coin: Enjoy the sweetness of anticipation, but expect the pain that will inevitably accompany every experience. Life is never one-sided, the Yin has a seed of the Yang within it. The happy experience, has a seed of sorrow hidden in it. Your shiny new car will get scratched one day, the top CEO job comes with enormous challenges, and the seemingly perfect relationship will have its turbulent phases.

   
   

2. See the beauty of life's purpose: When our children struggle and fall while learning how to ride a bicycle, after a few more falls and re-starts, they start to learn the art of balancing, and are soon able to start cycling on their own. We all are learning the art of riding the bicycle called life. Our trials and tribulations will keep coming to teach us to learn this magical art of living.

   
   

3. Go Within: Instead of looking around for who is better than me and or how many people I have left behind in the rat-race of life, let's take a pause and reflect on our life story and assumptions. What mental patterns or beliefs that I am holding about myself and others, drain me of energy and growth? What makes me feel more energized, connected and grateful? How would I live my life today, if I were to operate out of zero fear, shame or guilt?

I understand these shifts are a lifetime worth of work - easier said than done.  And that’s exactly what can make the messy middle more enjoyable! I enjoy walking this messy path with these questions. Give me a shout if you want to walk alongside! That's what I love about my coaching life.

 #navigatingthemessymiddle #leadershipcoaching #lifecoaching #coachinglife #lifepurpose #innerwork #lifeismixed #lifeexpectations #lifeperspective

Photo by Nicola Ambrosi on Unsplash

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The author, Anuj Chadha, is a Leadership Coach, and a Co-Founder of the Thrive Program, designed for Leadership Teams, along with Harpreet Arora. To know more, write to anuj@threecircles.co.in or connect@harpreetarora.com

Anuj is the Founder of Three Circles, Faculty & Coach with Leadership Et' Humanite, and a Leadership Coach with the Center for Creative Leadership.  

Reach out to Anuj for coaching, leadership, or simply making authentic human connections!